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These ATC transcipts will laugh your heads off 
:
Soruce:
http://1stholistic.com/reading/liv_h...c_control.htm:
Soruce:
http://www.aircadets.co.uk/modules.p...ewtopic&t=2090
Enjoy!!!! 
:Soruce:
http://1stholistic.com/reading/liv_h...c_control.htm:
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
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Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flow to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."
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I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland Center at 3:00 in the morning.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero"..........no answer. The controller may have been getting a fresh cup.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero".......no answer.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero....you know, ve have vays to make you talk".
The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flow to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland Center at 3:00 in the morning.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero"..........no answer. The controller may have been getting a fresh cup.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero".......no answer.
"Cleveland Centa, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero....you know, ve have vays to make you talk".
http://www.aircadets.co.uk/modules.p...ewtopic&t=2090
A pushy air traffic controller in Frankfurt was giving taxi instructions to a British pilot, dated 1966
"Speedbird 197, taxi holding point alpha"
"Bare with my tower, im just checking my map"
"For christs sake, is this your first time at Frankfurt international?!"
"Negative tower, ive flown here twice before in 1944, but it was dark and I didnt land"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"[station] this is Delta Zulu transmitting blind request immediate landing on runway 270."
"Delta Zulu Clearance to land granted"
"[Station], Delta Zulu Final approach 200knots bearing 270"
"Delta Zulu Landing lights please"
"Station Delta Zulu My lights are on"
"Delta Zulu we cant see you"
"Station Delta Zulu Well i can see you, ive just landed"
"Delta Zulu you are not on the apron, what is your position"
"Station Delta Zulu 150m Bearing 050 from your tower over"
"Delta Zulu check your maps, you havent landed here you have landed at a different airfield"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Qantas 747 is sitting at the holding point short of the runway.
Tower: " QF-71 hold position, we have an a340 with difficulties on finals."
QF-71:" Well tell him we all have difficulties but we all carry on with life!"
Tower:"He's French what do you expect!"
"Speedbird 197, taxi holding point alpha"
"Bare with my tower, im just checking my map"
"For christs sake, is this your first time at Frankfurt international?!"
"Negative tower, ive flown here twice before in 1944, but it was dark and I didnt land"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"[station] this is Delta Zulu transmitting blind request immediate landing on runway 270."
"Delta Zulu Clearance to land granted"
"[Station], Delta Zulu Final approach 200knots bearing 270"
"Delta Zulu Landing lights please"
"Station Delta Zulu My lights are on"
"Delta Zulu we cant see you"
"Station Delta Zulu Well i can see you, ive just landed"
"Delta Zulu you are not on the apron, what is your position"
"Station Delta Zulu 150m Bearing 050 from your tower over"
"Delta Zulu check your maps, you havent landed here you have landed at a different airfield"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Qantas 747 is sitting at the holding point short of the runway.
Tower: " QF-71 hold position, we have an a340 with difficulties on finals."
QF-71:" Well tell him we all have difficulties but we all carry on with life!"
Tower:"He's French what do you expect!"